To my (not so) little man,
Right now the house is swathed in darkness and you are still encased in the snug grasp of sleep.
I look at you with my heart overflowing – so many emotions struggle for supremacy. How I am excited for you that you will soon have a sibling, which will see a whole new side of your personality blossom, but it is not without tentacles of fear attached. These last few days all I can think of is “this is the last time it will just be we 3 doing this”, or, because we spend so much time as a twosome, “this is the last time it will be just you and I…” and, while I am of course looking forward to this next chapter of our lives, I still cant help but feel a stupid sense of sadness at saying goodbye to the precious times we share, just the two (or three!) of us.
Is that silly to feel such a way? That I have made myself consciously soak in these moments as if I’m parched and may never drink again? I don’t know… Let’s blame pregnancy hormones if that is so…!
Whatever the case, I can’t help but worry. Do you know life is about to alter for you – for us all – in a big way? Even though we’ve talked about this for 9 months, will you be able to grasp the enormity of the change? Will you cope? Will you even care? Will you take in all in your 4 year old stride and surprise us all?
It’s a big ask, I know. You have been the centre of our universe alone for almost 1700 days – that’s quite some time to have life revolve around only you. I just hope you know (and I will remind you often, I promise you) that there is room in this Mummy’s heart for both of you. No one will be sneaking over into the space you’ve occupied solo for so long; rather I am going to be the lucky recipient of a heart that expands. It did the same when you came along, and I know it will again in the near future when we meet the little one who will complete our family circle.
So even though it might be a rocky road to adjustment as a family of 4, that you will be dealing with an overtired and emotional Mummy (hey, nothing new there I hear you say!) and beloved Daddy who suddenly has his attentions divided and cannot dote on you alone, there will never be a time where you are loved any less than the mammoth amount you are now.
Thank you, my (not so) little man, for your patience during this rather arduous pregnancy – for understanding why Mummy couldn’t suddenly keep up and for all the times you persevered anyway in making me attempt to do so. And no matter what lays in wait in your world, I’ll keep loving you more with every day; there is nothing that could ever change that fact.
Letters, Part 1: what I want my little man to know…
To my (not so) little man,
Sonia LifeLoveandHiccups says
oh hun – you just made me totally tear up xx