It was a form at the Dentist’s office that did it. Onelittle word, which left me filled with a sense of inadequacy.
“Occupation”
And I had no idea how to answer it.
If that wasn’t difficult enough, even Master H has honed his
own interrogation skills, asking me a few nights later, “Mummy, what do you do
for a job?” – and, with that original innocuous inquiry still ringing in my ears, I
almost cried that I had no answer for him. He knows what Daddy does, he sees
his picture in the magazine and understands that is where Daddy goes off to each
day and, in his opinion, “makes money to buy petrol”.
own interrogation skills, asking me a few nights later, “Mummy, what do you do
for a job?” – and, with that original innocuous inquiry still ringing in my ears, I
almost cried that I had no answer for him. He knows what Daddy does, he sees
his picture in the magazine and understands that is where Daddy goes off to each
day and, in his opinion, “makes money to buy petrol”.
But me, I don’t know what he sees. And I’m starting to lose sight of the image
as well.
as well.
Both are simple, harmless enough questions to ask, but right
now it is the most feared inquiry you could make to me.
now it is the most feared inquiry you could make to me.
Since May, when my husband accepted an awesome work promotion,
it became clear for the good of our family I’d leave the company I worked 6
years for and find a job closer to home.
I’d always thought of myself as very employable. I’ve never had trouble
getting jobs since I started my first part time job when I was at school. My skills are good, I have a great CV and a
couple of kick ass References.
it became clear for the good of our family I’d leave the company I worked 6
years for and find a job closer to home.
I’d always thought of myself as very employable. I’ve never had trouble
getting jobs since I started my first part time job when I was at school. My skills are good, I have a great CV and a
couple of kick ass References.
However, it’s now September and I am no closer to locating
this seemingly elusive opportunity.
this seemingly elusive opportunity.
Job hunting is humbling and humiliating all at once. The once self-assured opinion you had of
yourself eventually starts to erode and your confidence crumbles. You question constantly “what is wrong with
me?” and it becomes very easy to succumb to self-loathing.
yourself eventually starts to erode and your confidence crumbles. You question constantly “what is wrong with
me?” and it becomes very easy to succumb to self-loathing.
With the dawn of each new day, I start out full of confidence and hope, announcing
to the universe that that this day will bring something new and exciting to me,
that good news is but an email or phone call away. Like a prospector, I search,
filtering the possible from the impossible, and dutifully send off my cover
letters and CV’s for anything I am qualified for. But as the hours click over and it creeps
closer to day’s end, with still no results to speak off, the merciless eddy of self-doubt
swirls and lures me into its unyielding embrace.
to the universe that that this day will bring something new and exciting to me,
that good news is but an email or phone call away. Like a prospector, I search,
filtering the possible from the impossible, and dutifully send off my cover
letters and CV’s for anything I am qualified for. But as the hours click over and it creeps
closer to day’s end, with still no results to speak off, the merciless eddy of self-doubt
swirls and lures me into its unyielding embrace.
And now that I am putting pressure on myself to make some
money writing, my passion for prose has started to wane. When it was for fun, it wasn’t so hard. Now the “bean counter” within me is screaming
“you need to make money, and this is your only opportunity to do it via
something you’d always dreamed off so you had better make this chance count!”
And it cripples me, often to a point I find myself paralysed by expectation and
perfectionism. The result? Procrastination.
Writers Block. The cyclical thought that I’m kidding myself if I think I might
be able to carve a career out of this.
It cuts at me. And more self-loathing soon ensues.
money writing, my passion for prose has started to wane. When it was for fun, it wasn’t so hard. Now the “bean counter” within me is screaming
“you need to make money, and this is your only opportunity to do it via
something you’d always dreamed off so you had better make this chance count!”
And it cripples me, often to a point I find myself paralysed by expectation and
perfectionism. The result? Procrastination.
Writers Block. The cyclical thought that I’m kidding myself if I think I might
be able to carve a career out of this.
It cuts at me. And more self-loathing soon ensues.
But then when I hear myself whinging about the situation I
think “who on earth would want to hire anyone who sounds as miserable as this?”
think “who on earth would want to hire anyone who sounds as miserable as this?”
The universe, which has been a great ally of mine in the
past with achieving dreams such as going to see Oprah live in Australia last year, is obviously all ears.
past with achieving dreams such as going to see Oprah live in Australia last year, is obviously all ears.
I’m clearly sending the wrong vibes out. As Lady O orates “you become what you believe”
and it’s no wonder I am not succeeding.
Because I believe I’m a resounding failure right now. And that must also be the message that the Universe
is hearing.
and it’s no wonder I am not succeeding.
Because I believe I’m a resounding failure right now. And that must also be the message that the Universe
is hearing.
In an ideal world (and one in which I owned a money tree)
I’d happily keep plodding along, putting myself and my writing out there but I
have a sense of urgency about me now. I
need to get back to having goals and purposes that equate to earning money. I need to stop flailing about in this land of
limbo, I need to know the direction in which my life is heading.
I’d happily keep plodding along, putting myself and my writing out there but I
have a sense of urgency about me now. I
need to get back to having goals and purposes that equate to earning money. I need to stop flailing about in this land of
limbo, I need to know the direction in which my life is heading.
Its character building, I get that. The universe is seemingly
testing my mettle, or perhaps, optimistically, biding its time on my behalf
until the perfect role reveals itself. I’d
sincerely like to think it’s the latter – and that it shows its face soon!
testing my mettle, or perhaps, optimistically, biding its time on my behalf
until the perfect role reveals itself. I’d
sincerely like to think it’s the latter – and that it shows its face soon!
Now that winter, cold, dark, depressing winter, has slunk
off for another year, I feel not only warmth returning, but slowly a renewed
invigoration is seeping back into my mind.
off for another year, I feel not only warmth returning, but slowly a renewed
invigoration is seeping back into my mind.
So, farewell to the long winter of my discontent and a
hearty hello to spring. May you hold
many exciting opportunities for me!
hearty hello to spring. May you hold
many exciting opportunities for me!
What a great post. There are so many women feeling this way. Thanks for your honesty.
Good luck with the job hunting.
Losing sight of personal identity and image is so common to mummies who have been at home for a while. We start to lose faith, confidence in our abilities and begin to wonder who we are and where our place is.
After 5 years at home, I just started my own business this year and while things are moving along steadily, gaining momentum. and my confidence has returned, I have moments when I feel sad that I did not always value myself as much as I should have when I was ‘just’ a SAHM. I know, we have to pay bills right but aren’t we enough just as we are, right here in this moment?
Sheesh…intense reply for this early in the morning but your post really got me thinking! I guess thats the mark of a great post so thanks!
You’ll get your break soon and I agree…sunshine always helps to inspire and motivate. Best of luck!
Hello, I can so relate to you, from long ago when I had my first son and immediately moved overseas. I felt so lost and people kept asking me what my husband does.
Shockers.
Mind you, these days I deliberately fill in ‘mother’ under occupation. Why not? It’s what I spend most of my time doing. If I’m in the mood I put ‘mother, author.’ The good thing about having a book published is that it feels a big achievement and even years later gives me a sense of identity. However, it’s not a way to earn a regular income, or even much of an income.
I’d give you a job tomorrow if I had one going! I hope something comes up soon, so you have got some regular work… but still plenty time to keep pushing with the writing.
I went back to work 8 months after my daughter was born, to a job that I only took because I was sick of a two hour commute to work. I’m flailing in this job, it isn’t good for my career and I don’t enjoy a lot of the work.
I feel stuck. But the thing that’s sticking me, is me. I’ve lost confidence in myself. I recently missed out on an interview for a job that I know I can do because I just didn’t sell myself enough in the application. I missed out on another because I didn’t sell myself enough in the interview.
I don’t know how to get that confidence back, but I know it’s something that I need to work on.
Good luck with your job hunt. I hope you find the right fit for you soon.
Occupation – Uber Blogger. That’s what you should put down on the form.
I went through this, and it was bad too. You’ll get there. Keep at it, it will happen, and the blogazine is always there for you to send stuff to 🙂