Today I had the displeasure of stumbling across a very abrasive parenting article that left me feeling like I must be a candidate for worst mother in the world. Why? Because, God forbid, I’m a Mum who is working on getting their baby into a routine and occasionally has to let her baby cry.
It haunted me all day, that damn article; such was its strong message that to do differently was WRONG. And thus, the inevitable seeds of self-doubt began to blossom, with questions, like weeds, creeping out to twist themselves around the thoughts in my mind.
Am I a bad mother because I am trying to bring some sort of structure into daily life, so that I feel I have some tiny semblance of control? Sure, I know in reality who is calling the shots around here, and that there is no such thing as a “one size fits all” when it comes to babies and routines, but if it makes me feel less like I am about to lose my shit, isn’t it a good thing to try and introduce one?
Am I a bad mother because I find it impossible to meander along, going with parenting flow? Sadly, I need organisation in my day, even if it’s loosely based. If you have other children, I argue you never need routine more. If I didn’t have a strict night time schedule to stick to I would never get two children bathed, fed and in bed by a reasonable hour. And because most nights of the week it’s just me here to oversee it, I need to be even more organised. Without a routine we’d none of us be fed and in bed before overtiredness set in.
Am I a bad mother because sometimes I have to leave my daughter to cry? That at times her only means of getting to sleep involves screaming the house down? Because when you have tried everything else, and still she is fighting sleep, sometimes you just have to put them in a safe spot and walk away. You need to catch your breath, you need to regroup. Hell, you might need to curl up in a ball and cry right along with her too. (Been there, done that too.)
Am I a bad mother because I have another child that requires my attentions too, therefore rendering it impossible for me to sit around cuddling my baby all day, like some would recommend? That because he has his own important needs, it means I literally do not have the luxury of being able to jump to it every single time I hear her start to cry? Don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly detest hearing her cry and I am all for lovely, squishy baby snuggles, but the truth of the matter is I do not have the chance to cuddle all day long. Last time I checked the dinner didn’t cook itself.
So, after second guessing myself all day long, and feeling raw with inadequacy, what I eventually remembered was this: if all that I do as a Mum is infused with love then there can be no harm in having routine. As well, I reminded myself everyone is entitled to their own opinion (and no other subject is more fraught with them than parenthood!) and I could simply agree to disagree and move on.

Huge fan of having a routine Lil D, right from day dot actually! I have 3 very happy, well rested kids who love knowing what happens on a daily basis….kids thrive on routine. You are doing a wonderful job, just look at your gorgeous kids for reassurance!!!
I know exactly what you read and to be honest I was a bit surprised by it. I spent so many years (still do) second guessing myself and I know there are times (probably lots of them) I could do better. But you have to do what keeps you sane, what works for you and your family. And you know what? Kids really do love and thrive with routine. I believe it makes them feel safe and secure, just as much as baby cuddles.
I’ve co-slept, I’ve let my kids scream, I’ve done all the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ things. I’m sure I’ll keep doing them too. My kids are doing pretty well. If you’re happy and you’re kids are happy don’t let any ‘experts’ feel inadequate.
Much love to you. x
Routine worked for me (well… my sanity) too. Lo and behold, I have a child who actually thrives on a routine! Not saying it would work EVERY time for EVERY child (and mother) but why not do what works?! And from the looks of your beautiful miss, it would seem what you are doing is more than working. It’s perfect for you both.
xxxxx
So glad you were able to unpack your feelings here. I think of all the mums who read that post and now feel terrible about themselves and don’t have an avenue for unpacking. I really wish she’d written than post to get it out of her system, but that she hadn’t pressed publish 🙁
I’m not sure what article you are talking about but as a mum of 3, I am a lover of The Routine. I’ve come to realise there is not point aiming for military precision, but without routine the kids wouldn’t be bathed, eat dinner, clean their teeth, wash their hands, do their homework or a 1000 other things. Sounds like you are doing a great job.
xx
I know it’s hard sometimes, especially when u may be feeling vulnerable with lack of sleep or whatever else crops up as a young mum but you just can’t let yourself be judged or shamed by these kinds of articles. Who the hell is another person to tell u how to mother? That said, it’s often just another spin on parenting that some may benefit from, others don’t. U did the right thing by looking at your beautiful little daughter and assuring yrself that you are a good mum. So much of parenting is commonsense, we just forget with all the info and opinions out there. Have a great long weekend, Kim