|Image from here|
I’m a reader. And as such, as I embarked on my path to parenthood, I devoured just as many “textbooks” on this subject as I did blocks of Cadbury’s chocolates. But nowhere do I recall anyone mentioning the following five home truths of parenting which appear to be my stumbling blocks on this marathon of motherhood on a daily basis.
1. IT IS EASIER TO WRESTLE A CROCODILE THAN CLEAN THE TEETH OF MY TODDLER
I’m quite certain this is my most dreaded task of the day. And goddamn it does have to fall twice a day so that just when I have recovered from the morning’s histrionics it is time for the night-time dental dual to commence. Some days the combination of his refusal to have it done, coupled with his inability to both stand still and open his mouth wider than a 5 cent piece send me completely insane. So much so I am sure the neighbours must brace themselves for teeth cleaning time as much as I. Think the sound of a capacity packed stadium of obsessed English footy fans when a ruling doesn’t go their way. I am on par with those decibels by the end of this endeavour.
2. HE WILL NEVER EVER EVER ADMIT HE IS TIRED EVEN WHEN HIS EYELIDS ARE DROOPING SHUT AND DROOL IS POOLING IN THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH
Still he will soldier on, attempting to slay any sleep demons that threaten to cease activity on his day. I’m not sure what he think’s he is going to miss out on while he’s off in the land of nod. No wild parties or late nights spent watching back to back Disney re-runs are happening in his absence. Basically I want to do the same thing I’m demanding of he – SLEEP.
3. THE ART OF PUTTING SHOES ON MY SON REQUIRES ALL THE DIPLOMACY OF THE UNITED NATIONS AND ALL THE SKILL OF A BRAIN SURGEON
Too tight, too loose, but never just right. I’m also yet to decipher the science behind why one day it only takes two attempts to perfect it and others sees me trying 7 times to achieve the flawless foot fitting he craves. All I do know is that some days I dont want to go ANYWHERE because I am drained at the mere thought of the shoe fight that lays in wait, or the fact he’ll see fit to kick them off the minute we are in the car and on our way. And thus the war of attrition begins again…
4. CLEANLINESS ISNT NEXT TO GODLINESS WHEN THERE IS A 3 YEAR OLD ABOUT.
5. ALL YOUR MEALS ARE COOKED, YOUR CLOTHES ARE CLEANED, YOU ARE FERRIED ABOUT EVERYWHERE, AND LIFE REVOLVES AROUND YOU
And if you are someone who DOES cook chicken schnitzel 7 nights a week, please do let me know. I have a potential house guest for you who you’ll make very happy…