Here’s the difference between having a dream and following a dream – when you actively begin to hunt it down, its damn hard work to stay positive during the whole drawn out, rollercoaster of an experience. For as long as I can recall, I have wanted to be a writer. As a child I loved losing myself in the written word, painting a picture via paragraphs and sentences and letting my imagination happily drift along were the things I treasured most.
I remember once telling my beloved Pop, when I was about 8, that I was going to be an author when I grew up. He scoffed, “You’ll never make any money doing that. You don’t want to be broke the rest of your life do you?” Harsh as that sounds, I know it was coming from a place of love. You see my hard-working Pop started with nothing, living in a mud-thatched hut, only to have five houses to his name by the time he lost his battle with skin cancer in 2005. He knew the value of money, because he understood too well the bitterness of being broke.
Recently it’s become clear to me that my current hiatus from the paid working world is going to have to come to a halt. Sure, people throw in their well-paid gigs in order to go realise their greatest employment goals all the time. But the reality is when you are jointly responsible for having a family to feed, bills to pay and a roof to keep over your head, suddenly the six months of “finding my writing voice” feels like a luxury I can no longer afford to grant myself.
But, as the husband was quick to point out, all is not lost on this front. Not only will I have to be more creative about how I go about the process, but also a bit more structured and determined too. Alongside my roles of wife, mother and seemingly single-handedly running every facet of this house if I am serious about this dream, then I should still be able to see it come to fruition.
This is where the crisis of confidence crossroads kicks in. Am I kidding myself that I am actually cut out for this quest? My husband, who has accomplished great things in the career I covet most, is quick to tell me it’s a cut-throat industry, the paid writing world. You need a thick skin to survive it. And sadly, more often than not my skin is paper thin.
The doubts are creeping in faster than the complaints on carbon tax. “Maybe you aren’t as special as you think… maybe you have been kidding yourself all these years that you have something to offer to the world in this field”. And I don’t say these things with the intention or hook of fishing for compliments. They are very real concerns of mine as I wrestle with the reality of trying to achieve this dream.
Confronting these demons the past few days has left me reeling – for so long I have nurtured the knowledge close to my heart that writing is my gift. It’s the one thing I can stand back and be proud of. The one thing that I can wrap my arms around and be secure in the knowledge it’s what can set me apart.
Now I fear that because I am leaving this run towards my ultimate career goal so late, perhaps the train to triumph has long ago left town. Have I blown my chance? Is there such a thing as a second shot at your dream later in life? Oh how I sometimes want to slap that 17-year-old self, so homesick, so lovesick, so naïve that she stepped away from the cusp of a dream. She made her life so much harder, career-wise, 15 years on. The only blessing I can comfort myself with is that without that massive mistake it may not have led her, years later, to The Husband. And hands down he is worth making that error in judgement.
As Oprah wisely orates, if you don’t do something that you love, a little part of you dies every day. And I am scared as hell that will ring true for yours truly. She also acknowledges it is the courageous ones who fought to realise their dreams who enjoy the tastiest success. At my core, I know it’s what matters to me. To be a writer. To see my name emblazoned on to a book that is of my own making, or attached to the by-line of an article I’ve painstakingly researched and written.
And with that in mind I shall soldier on with the battle that has been both the bane and beauty of my existence for many years now. Some days I’ll approach it with my sword held high and on others be found cowering behind my shield. No doubt chasing down this dream will at times challenge, frustrate, demoralise and deplete me. But I assume (I HOPE!) that if I persevere with the process of pursuing it, with whatever snippets of time I can dedicate to it, it will be much more worthwhile once realised.
So if you could kindly pass me my armour, I’ll ready myself for war once more.
Oh, I hear you! This is my internal debate every day!
You go and get ’em. It’s good to be a little worried about the quality of your writing. I think it keeps you sharp.
And just to throw one of the greatest Australian lines ever uttered “Go hard or go home”.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
I can totally relate.
That you “get” this, and that you get how bloody hard it all is means your chances of success are higher….
xx
Your Pop sounds like my Dad! I think it’s that era – my Dad is 85.
From what I understand, pretty much every writer has this. I continually feel it with blogging. ‘Who am I kidding? I can’t write like those other bloggers!’
You know, since I discovered your blog after ABC, I’ve always been impressed with your writing. It’s really, really good. Just go for it!
My Dad’s not always a downer about stuff. As he always says, “You’re bound to win if you don’t give in.”
xxx
I too live with this issue/feeling every day. But then I try and tell myself “what’s my hurry?” Who says I cannot achieve great things in 10years time, when the kids don’t need me so much? What’s wrong with a 50 year old woman publishing her first book? If my mind was clearer right now I’d list a whole heap of older women who have done amazing things. The important thing is that you have the dream!!!!
I honestly believe that all people who pursue a dream based on subjective talents face this all the time.
Those of us in fields that are less subjective are granted the luxury of not needing to survive on the opinions of others but on following the steps of our jobs.
I think you are a fantastic writer but I understand the fear. You have a family now and it is the number one factor in decisions that you make.
Don’t rush to give up on your dream. Don’t rush to decide that taking this time is not the right thing to do. Make a plan with your husband and work from there.
Jenn
P.S. Thank you so much for being a great friend . . . even oceans apart I honestly know that you care. Thanks.
Just do it. Keep on doing it. You will get there. I have no doubt at all.
As Edison said genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. It will take work, lots of work, but if you keep at it, you will get there.
If it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth trying for. And it will taste oh so sweet when you get there.
xxx
I think from here it is all about pitching yourself and making contacts. Give it a crack! x
Hi there, just wanted to add in a wee point, just in my own opinion and experience. You don’t need to be the best writer, first of all, loads of dodgy writing gets published every day. This always makes me feel better!!
But you do need to do it, pitch, propose, find your niche. Be very, very reliable, very, very, very… Stick to deadlines.
Everybody has a story to tell and a book in them… But only a few have the perseverance to get the job done.
We must natter!!
You can absolutely do this. I wrote you a long comment and deleted it. Because it was just me repeating that same point over and over in lots of different ways. You can x
So relatable. I think the most important thing, apart from taking up some of the practical tips mentioned above eg: pitch, is to, in the words of Dory, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” To get where you need to go, you have to keep taking the little steps. No steps get you nowhere. And, “Sometimes on the way to your dream, you get lost and find a better one.” – unknown. These are the things I keep reminding myself too. Good luck!