Dear MALE midwife “expert” in the UK:

It has come to my attention that you call yourself some sort of specialist in the arena of childbirth. Which is strange, seeing as though you are a MAN, and therefore could not have experienced anything on par to the pain this excruciating experience holds.

In fact, pain is not a strong enough word.

Perhaps I’ll paint you a picture instead: a 100kg man kicking you repeatedly in the family jewels (say for oh, 9 hours) with steel capped boots, whilst someone else whacks you continually in the lower abdomen and back with a baseball bat that has been roasted in an open fire. All with the aim of passing a 4kg watermelon with a supposed smile on your dial.

We’ll see then if you’ll be requesting some strong pain relief. My bet is you’ll be begging for mercy!

So how dare you?! Only a male (and therefore incapable of ever knowing the excruciating pain that is childbirth) could advocate something so preposterous!! Leading up to my own labour experience, I did all the right “drug free” preparations. Yes, that included forking out $300 and 5 Thursday nights of my free time for the privilege of attending a “Calmbirth Class”. 

I then subsequently spent another $200 on apparently imperative labour enhancing extras and diligently prepared for the event as if I was studying for a medical degree and about to deliver him myself at home. But when Mother Nature fails to read your birth plan, and all chaos and trauma unfolds, then I’m afraid you don’t have much choice but to accept her path and follow. And if that includes the whole gamut of drug options on offer (all which were gladly accepted by me), then why would one refuse? Because as I recall, there are no medals offered after the miracle event for those who have run the marathon free from medical intervention. 

Yours in epidural elation,

AN ACTUAL MOTHER!